Here are the facts .. battling constant pain and illness wears you down – a lot. Especially when there is no certain answer. On the short, Crohns sucks .. I’ve just always maintained within my mind there is so much that could suck worse, but finding a ‘good’ recipe … constantly trying to be ‘good’ only to find next week that was ‘bad’ got old .. very old. Crohns keeps you guessing thats for sure.
Top that with having to break away from those who are meant to love you – ( yer the parentals) and I guess you get a far less happy Cheryl? Actually you get a depressed one. Just like many others, there are times I want to sit on the couch, eat something fried, maybe twice fried ( I am Scottish ! ) and follow it up with ice cream embedded with some sort of cookie goodness ( Oreo is the preference ) and Orange is the new Black.. accompanied with a vodka and Irn Bru ( yes .. Scottish .. ) . Unlike others however it makes me sick, very sick. Confession – I haven’t looked after myself properly since May. Actually from the moment in May I decided that I could no longer be a part of my parents lives .. everything else fell apart. IT HAS BEEN DAMN HARD. I don’t think I have even gone for a walk, let alone felt I needed to look after myself.
I love my parents despite everything .. and trust me this simply ain’t the forum ( despite my love for FB over-charing) to share ‘everything’ ; but May, in fact a certain early May evening, where shit just got too much made me say, STOP enough is enough. It was the most selfish, bravest, scariest moment of my life. It is now the 13th July, how did that happen .. ?! I miss my mother, I miss .. having family .. but I don’t miss the heartache and truthfully, whilst I harbour guilt, I think it is the best decision I made in a long time. Yet, yes I am depressed. It feels all wrong.
I am lucky .. I have a loving ‘man-child’ ( meant in the most loving way ) of a fiancé who knows just when to hug me, make me laugh or be a silly sod who makes me feel like the grown up. His latest purchase was a star wars t-shirt .. how can you not love that ? His family are incredible – truly. His Dad gives the best hugs, and his mother well .. I don’t even know where to begin .. she loves me and I know it. How lucky am I ? Thats without even mentioning my beautiful Canadian family .. and truly they are gorgeous !! Yet I am depressed still ..
Early June and I figured enough was enough and so I had to ask for help from the Gp .. only to be give a tablet that doubled my seizures … thanks. So here I am again sans any medication, feeling sad and deciding that is not good enough.
Its time to remember I deserve to live a nourished life on so many levels. Its time to make more change.
We are getting a puppy from some wonderful NSW breeders .. its been 2 years talking about it and a day ( last week ) of just doing ! Dates aligned and suddenly we have the most adorable responsibility arriving on the 9th August … a darling male pugalier at that. Name ideas anyone ?
To say it has given me something positive ( despite a recent flu .. yawn ) to concentrate on is an understatement. I feel renewed in my journey to good health .. but after reading some of the crazy ingredients pre-made doggy food it has given me a new challenge too ! Watch here for more !
Photo is of my actual wee man !
Here is too walking the dog, focusing on good health for our whole family and continuing to work with a wonderful group of people. Life just got a lot more whole. xo